- One Star Hangover
No
pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco
nap, which has given you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that
you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still
parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving
a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries.
- Two Star Hangover
No
pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have
the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only
exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh
and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. There is some definite havoc
being wreaked upon your bowels.
- Three Star Hangover
Slight
headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer
86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your
bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball hero watching the E! fashion awards.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter
of diet coke, yet you haven't peed once.
- Four Star Hangover
Life
sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you
might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has
given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but
that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving,
(girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper
cars.) Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you
look like a reject from the class picture of Grover Cleveland HS, class
of '84.
- Five Star Hangover
AKA
"Dante's 4th Circle of Hell."
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the
corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the
remnants of the shit fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty
good right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where
you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger still sleeping in
your bed at your otherwise empty house.
- Six
Star Hangover
Otherwise
known as the "Infinite Nut smacker"
You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the
ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the
bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your
roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow managed to get up before you.
You try to lift your head. Not an option. Then you inadvertently turn
your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in
your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra
lights... some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them
like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to
see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your
forehead... the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically
appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work
in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of
wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.
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